The Big Dirty Article


Tim Appelbaum with Gabriel “Blue Pill” Cordova

Dreamcatcher Discussion, Part II

::At this point in the conversation, Tim has beer one opened and full, and Gabe is on beer two. Around this time Gabe says to Tim, “You’re a great typist, but it doesn’t mean you’re smarter.”::

Tim: All powers in this movie are stupid. Really his ability is to point with a flourish? He used it while he was dying and it would have been just as effective to point without the Pidgeotto gust of wind. It was completely irrelevant and I don’t understand why I’m a bad person for not buying into it. I bought into the idea that Duddits is an alien sent to earth to defend humans from another alien invasion that will happen sometime in the future. I bought that the evil worm aliens grow inside people’s bodies and come out their anus in a bloody discharge. These anal aliens can also read your thoughts and shapeshift. Because why not? While our protective alien is disguised as a mentally disabled human for forty years. The reason why he is retarded and loves Scooby Doo is because… his alien DNA did not mesh well with human DNA? Yes… I bought into that, so when you give Timothy Olyphant a pointy power that serves no purpose, it’s going to piss me off. I think his real power was to take a worm bite to the dick and still be a surly son of a bitch.

Gabe: I was attracted to the “shittiness” of the powers. They were not full powers, because Duddits was not able to give his friends full powers, so they get these glitchy powers and everything barely works. Like being able to see 15 minutes into the future, and randomly.

Tim: Tom Jane had a functional power, he can read minds. Damien Lewis’ mental warehouse was cool, I guess.

Gabe: Yeah, those are good.

Tim: Because [the powers] further the story. Tom Sizemore could have had a power to make him make a great cup of coffee using tea leaves, but it doesn’t do anything unless it furthers the plot.

Gabe: Yeah, it seemed that Jason Lee’s tick or Aspergers’ or whatever was more relevant than his power. He can see into the future, but he can’t see his face getting chewed off.

::Took a break to listen to Schwarzenator::

Gabe: Tom Sizemore has always been a favorite of mine . I think it was Point Break or Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man that made me a fan. He plays the good guy, and does it well.

Tim: In Black Hawk Down he’s a total badass. He just stands in the middle of a firefight so he can finish his conversation.

Gabe: See? This is a good movie!

Tim: The actors in a film doesn’t not make a bad movie, good… Whatever, it was bullshit how they named the movie Dreamcatcher. They made one as kids? Cool.

Gabe: Yeah, they forced that. I don’t know how it went in the book, but when they were kids and when the worm explodes, it makes a dreamcatcher.

Tim: I didn’t even notice the exploding worm makes a dreamcatcher. After everything else I saw, why not?

::Gabe offers me another beer, sees that mine still has beer in it, so he opens it and drinks it.::

Tim: I was excited, because I saw Damien Lewis in the opening credits. I loved Band of Brothers, Life, and loved season 1 of Homeland. I don’t want to see season 2 until I can binge watch it.

Gabe: I’ve never seen any of those. I heard they were good.

Tim: They were. Hence the awards.

::Gabe doesn’t watch movies if they are good.::

Tim: The exclamation they are yelling, is it “Fuck me Freddy!” or “Fuck me, Freddy!” The comma makes Freddy a real person and what they are saying a command, rather than a pointless exclamation.

Gabe: Look it up.

Tim: Eh….

(Note: Email me if you’ve read the book and know what Mr. King’s spelling is. Because I would hate to trust the internet. The library is also like a mile away, so that’s not going to happen)

Gabe: You didn’t like how Donnie Wahlberg kept calling Mr. Grey, “Mr. Gay?” Or say “Scooby Dooby Doo… we got some work to do now.”

Tim: No, that was funny. In fact, I hope I run into Mr. Wahlberg one day so I can say, “Mr. Wahlberg, I loved you in Dreamcatcher.” Hopefully this annoys him; that out of all the work he’s done, I pick the one where he plays a retarded alien. I’ll be honest, I didn’t know it was him until the ending credits. I was waiting to see him the whole film. Your favorite part?

Gabe: I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen Morgan Freeman as the villain. What’s the one movie that was so amazing? Street Smart! Makes me wish he would play the villain more often. I loved his bushy eyebrows, crazy mental state, and disciplining his soldiers by shooting them in the hand. I also loved how there were multiple story lines. It was like an anthology, since all the stories come from the same premise. Tim, I know you hated more than just the powers.

Tim: Hated the powers? I didn’t hate them as much as they distracted me from the story. I hated how the worm inside of Damien Lewis can transform and eat someone’s torso and transform back without any sign of the transformation. No stretch marks-

Gabe: No torn flesh?

Tim: No torn flesh, no stretch marks, no nothing. Now, that bothered me, but I was angry when it took forever to leave Lewis’ body in the final battle, but it can eat Timothy Olyphant instantly. If he’s an instant-alien, keep it that way. I buy into almost any world that someone creates, but you have to live by the rules you create. Star Wars, for example, a lightsaber will cut through steel and flesh no problem in one scene, but be a glowing baseball bat in the next. Watch Jabba’s party boat scene again and you’ll see what I mean. For whatever reason, that kind of inconsistency distracts me. And this movie had a lot of distractions.

::Left to go watch Walking Dead’s showrunner, Glen Mazzara, break down episode 302 and answer terrible questions.::

If you read Part I, you’d know that Part II has spoilers. Also, this was not a transcript. This was done by notes and memory, but as you can see, my beer intake for the day was low, so I would guess that 40% of it is correct.

You should also see these idiots live, because they are damn fine showmen: