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FUCK THAT CALF!

FUCK THAT CALF!

In which we slay the things others hold dear. 

THE BEATLES

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m that fucking guy now.  I want to make something clear, though.  I am not anti-Beatles out of a desire to be contrary, or to prove that I’m some super-edgy music snob.  Some of their stuff is okay.  And given the numbers, I’m probably wrong in not liking them.  I understand that.  What I can’t understand, though, is how fucking angry people get at me for not falling head over heels in love with every song that ever poured out of these jackasses.  Musically, yeah, they pushed the art form in the right direction, but that doesn’t make them the best at it.  T-Rex and ELO, to name two, took ideas the Beatles invented and turned them, y’know, good.  But looking at the Beatles, I see two eras: “Hey, let’s write catchy songs about girls.”  “Oh, we’re on a LOT of drugs.  Let’s write songs about that.”  Neither have particularly spoken to me, and I don’t fucking understand why everybody else is balls deep in Beatle-ville.-KRC

Ocarina of Time

I cannot remember why everyone loved this game. My memory of it is as clear as everyone else that I’ve talked to, yet no one else remembers any of the negative until I remind them. Here’s a small blurb about why I’m right.

How about the fact that Link jogs as fast as fat kids? That’s right, you had to somersault your way around the world. Which is both unrealistic and traumatizing on the ears of anyone listening. I’m pretty sure my family hated this game more than me. Wait, what was the sound that annoyed you so much?

“Yeht! Yeht! Yeht! Yeht! Yeht! Yeht! Yeht! Yeht!” Then this is interrupted by the firefly constantly yelling “Hey!” and buzzing around the screen. ::mute::

I don’t like having to play a flute in order to time travel or summon a horse or open up a fucking door. “But Tim! It’s called Ocarina of Time! LOL!” If you played Zelda: Link’s Awakening, you’d remember that the instruments weren’t actionable items. You walk up to the egg and it autorocks you to victory. Ocarina requires you to pull out an ocarina (already lame), and play some diddy in order for things to happen. How many times do you have to do this? Damn near one hundred. I was annoyed about hitting nine keys on a piano in Final Fantasy 7 (see: greatest game ever), so how was my mental state in this catastrophe of what Nintendo calls “fun?”

I don’t remember anything about the combat system. Now, how would you rate the pewpewpew if you can’t remember anything about what makes Link cool? Sword, bombs, bow and arrow… I don’t remember one battle, so it’s safe to assume that it was lame. I try and remember, but I just keep thinking of Super Smash Bros. and wondering why Link’s sword isn’t slicing Yoshi’s tongue?

 I will give Nintendo credit for making a game that stars a gay Mexican, (see: Clothing, cutting grass for Rupees), because if he isn’t, Link is an pragmatic Peter Pan.

(…I guess Metroid is a weak Iron Man. And Mario is a terrible Johnny Flame. …What the hell would Kirby be?)-TA

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