Archer Drinking Game

one of the best damn cartoons on tv

Have you ever watched Archer? If you haven’t you need to; simply for the fact that Adam Reed, the creator of the show, describes Archer as “James Bond meeting Arrested Development”. Uh, mind explosions of excitement should have just erupted in your brain. In fact, instead of reading this article you should be Netflix Instant-ing the first season immediately just to see how accurate that description is.

Now on to the fine and wonderful people of the world who know what I’m talking about. You will probably glance at the rules and think … this bitch is going to kill me. One of the greatest pleasures in my life comes directly from that shitfaced grin that tends to show up on the faces of people who have had just enough to drink. You know the look; it’s sly, over confident, and ready to take on any obstacle that comes forth… something along the lines of this…

drunk jackassery at its' finest

in his mind, he is a god.

Drinking is a social lubricant, and when I’m around an inflatable pool is filled with KY jelly and everyone wants to fight each other topless.  Insanely awesome things happen when everyone lets their guard down, hence, the reason why I constantly make drinking games out of anything. Pure Entertainment.

The FX television show Archer is brilliant. Beyond brilliant. Not many shows have the capability of making me laugh out loud, but Archer reigns together so much sarcasm, blatant disrespect, and sheer arrogance that sometimes I’d rather watch the show than hang out with my friends. What? Don’t you have friends that are boring; the type that will rope you into talking about their problems and feelings, when all you really want to do is watch people get shot and listen to dirty sexual innuendos! The characters on Archer are definitely way more interesting than a lot of people I know. They are all complete jackasses who will say and do the first thing that springs into their mind, while being totally badass.

shooting guns in underwear.

shooting guns in underwear. awesome.

I want to work for ISIS. Who cares if you have a monster cunt face for a boss [most of you already have that anyway!]. The show glamorizes the work of spies! And even if you don’t want to be a spy you can work in an office filled with alcohol guzzling fiends. Malory practically always has a drink in her hand, and whenever she is not in the office, everyone who works underneath her does! How often do you see any of them do any real kind of work? In specific, Cheryl and Pam hardly do a goddamn thing. Secretarial and Human Resource work at ISIS is the WAY TO GO! They sit around and bug each other all day while researching stupid shit online and talk with dolphin puppets. Fucking childs play! Are you a science nerd and love to do inhumane experiments? Take a look at Krieger’s job, he is knowingly on a substance at any time of day and is allowed to perform obscure research on company dime! Plus, you are guaranteed to get shot at work… hellloooooo workers comp money! Everyone loves to get paid to do nothing!

pam is a hot mess

just a typical day at work for Pam

One of the best tricks to watching this show is to know who the voices behind the characters are. The three most notable that deserve a whole goddamn paragraph are Malory, Cheryl, and Len Trexler [head of ODIN]. They are voiced by Jessica Walters, Judy Greer, and Jeffery Tambor. None of those names look familiar to you? Do you remember reading the second sentence of this article? Ok. Now go Google Arrested Development and see who the main characters are. Dude, Adam Reed is such a baller for stating that his show is comparable to another and is capable of getting three of the actors to voice his characters! I constantly think that Cheryls’ name is Kitty [also, that bitch changes her name so often that my mistake is mildly accurate, in fact, why don’t they just pick an episode where she names herself Kitty and flashes everyone?! Ahhhh!]. Hearing Jessica Walters and Jeffery Tambor bicker on Archer makes me want to yell Lupe, kick it with Annyong, and fry some corn balls. Look at that woman, Malory Archer and Lucille Bluth are just one in the same.


Oh, don't give me that look. I happen to be a more caring mother than most.

The other characters even look like the people who voice them. Chris Parnell of Saturday Night Live looks exactly like Cyril, Aisha Tyler is one hot foxy mama in real life, and Woodhouse is voiced by a dude who is 82. Super accurate!

So in order to play this game I do have to warn you, shit gets real. There are some episodes where you take an average amount of drinks and everyone can remain nice and pleasant throughout the night. There are others where you will get shithoused and not understand how you got so drunk in just 20 minutes.  I take no responsibility for what you drink while playing the game, but if you have a big old handle in front of you and it’s miraculously gone by the end of the first season… well shit, I’ll just be impressed. You should shoot me an email of the mass destruction that ensued prior to the hospital admittance. Drink responsibly, Drink Socially, and try to channel the inner alcoholic of Malory Archer while playing the game. . . just don’t puke all over the rug. Thanks.

Take a Drink!

  1. Every time Archers full name is said, Sterling Malory Archer.
  2. Lana’s large hands are referenced
  3. Cyril has sex
  4. The threat of ants are mentioned
  5. Cheryl alludes to wanting to get strangled [also includes when she is trying to cover them up!]
  6. Anytime Archer speaks highly of his turtleneck [2x bonus if he goes on a rampage about it!]
  7. Pam propositions sex [3x bonus if they go through with it!]
  8. Anyone is drinking on the job
  9. “I had something for this”
  10. “yuuuup!” and “nooooooooope!”- lana
  11. If Malory has slept with the person she is talking to on her big screen.
  12. Archer shoots one of his coworkers
  13. Archer pukes as a response to his mothers sex life
  14. Budget cutbacks are causing a problem
  15. “Dangerzone” [finish your drink, Goose would want you to]