Popfilter Goes to the Movies

Monday, April 29, 2013

The Place Beyond the Pines

Director Derek Cianfrance clearly wants to prove that stories do not need to be told in a traditional linear fashion. His previous effort, Blue Valentine, walked us through the demise of a relationship by intercutting scenes from its romantic beginning with much bleaker glimpses of the same couple on the day they finally split. Even if you consider Blue Valentine a success, which many don’t, the level to which Cianfrance pushes his non-linear storytelling in The Place Beyond the Pines makes it easy for one to wonder whether or not he’s already gone too far.

Or, far more likely, they haven’t seen either movie.

Maybe I’m just a dumb guy trying to watch smart people movies. I have talked extensively about the Rock in two out of my past four articles. If I were allowed to say it my true review of The Place Beyond the Pines would be one sentence and would say “I should probably watch it again.” I just want you to know that in this case any problems I have with this particular film could very well be the result of the fact that the only movies I watched until I was sixteen were pirated VHS copies of old James Bond movies and Gary Marshall’s Beaches. I’d still like to think that I know at least one thing about a thing or two.

I actually know a ton of things about Gary Marshall’s Beaches.

So with what expertise I can muster I’ll say that The Place Beyonds the Pines is an extremely ambitious film. No one will ever fault this movie for trying too little. And despite being the most sprawlingest movie of the year so far it manages to keep hitting on its central themes of guilt and regret. If, like me, you factor “shits given” heavily into your equation for overall rating, The Place Beyond the Pines has done a lot for itself. Still, maybe what this movie needed was a dumb guy – not me, but like me – to ask whether or not all that ambition helped.

I happen to be a big fan of Blue Valentine. That story could have just as easily been told in a linear fashion but mixing up the order of events let Cianfrance communicate his point bluntly and effectively. Similarly, The Place Beyond the Pines doesn’t need to be told the way it was. It could’ve just as easily followed one character all the way through and showed us the same story. The director’s goal was to switch narrative focus from one character to another so that we witness firsthand the consequences one generation’s choices will create for the next.

The key difference is that when you’re mixing up the narrative chronologically you still get to know and care about the same characters. When the story is chronologically similar but the viewpoint jumps around it’s easy to be left wondering why we’re supposed to care about all these new fellers. Confusing things even more is the fact that although the events in The Place Beyond the Pines do unfold in chronological order, it’s still not exactly a straightforward timeline. A 15 year jump forward in the middle of a movie is a lot to ask of us when you’ve already pulled a bait & switch with the main characters.

It just basically wasn’t quite what I expected. So instead of saying in one sentence “I should probably just watch it again,” I’ll say it in a whole paragraph, right here. Cianfrance is trying to do things differently. I was prepared to watch Ryan Gosling riding bikes, robbing banks and fucking Eva Mendes – basically a redneck Drive. But that’s not what the director wanted to give us and frankly, I respect him for that. He wanted to tell a more complex story with morals and stuff. Knowing now that I’m not going to be able settle in and get too cozy with any one character, I’d like to give it another shot and see whether or not Cianfrance’s approach did add to the story.

Redneck Drive has already been done, anyways.

All of that is just to cover my own ass. The first time I saw There Will Be Blood my exact words were “It’s just a boring movie about some old guy,” so I’m more than willing to admit I’ve missed a nuance or two before. So I will re-watch The Place Beyond the Pines at some in the future when I don’t have to pay for it, but I think that my opinion will stay about the same. It’s an ambitious but flawed film from a director who shows real promise. He hasn’t gotten tremendously better or worse since Blue Valentine, he just applied his method to a different story that it wasn’t as compatible with. Hopefully this will be the kind of movie that we can watch in ten years and enjoy because we know what the director was trying to do, based on all the times he did way better afterwards. If not, it’s still a movie where Ryan Gosling plays a troubled loner reluctantly caught up in a world of crime. How many more times are we gonna get to see that?

As few as only one more time this summer.

Filed in Daniel Tompkins, Movies | | Comments (0)

PopFilter Podcast 91

Friday, April 26, 2013

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

On this episode of the PopFilter Podcast, the friends talk about “Everybody Loves Sausages” by The Melvins, Hemlock Grove, and “Definitely Maybe” by Oasis. They then realize how old they have gotten and stab themselves in the eyes. It doesn’t get as loud as you would expect.

Filed in Jason Noble, Mike Gravagno, Movies, Music, Podcast, Ryan Haley, TV | Tagged Athletes, Definitely Maybe, Everybody Loves Sausages, Hemlock Grove, Oasis, The Melvins | Comments (0)

TRAILER TRASH

Friday, April 26, 2013

TRAILER TRASH

In which we review the films opening this weekend, just based on the trailer, to 100 percent accuracy

PAIN & GAIN

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AKA: Jersey Shore Does Crimes

REVIEW: Given the oozing charisma of the cast, this movie could’ve actually worked if handled by a different director. Unfortunately, it’s Michael Bay, Lord of Bombastic Unsubtlety. This is the Dark Lord’s first foray into comedy, but if you know his track record then it won’t be a surprise that the explosions have been replaced by the broadest of “jokes”. And explosions. Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson could have a conversation about pretty much anything, and you know you’ll be fairly entertained just because how damn likable the two of them are. And Tony Shaloub as a rich villain is actually great casting as well, but all gets hindered by an overzealous, strong handed controller who doesn’t know what he’s doing.

SPOILER: All the muscles are CGI.

RATING: ** (out of ****)

THE BIG WEDDING

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AKA: Inoffensive Family Comedy 5

REVIEW: We get a couple of these a year now. Throw a giant cast into an event with numerous plot lines that interweave, or don’t, and go. The Big Wedding is more structured then these kinds of movies normally are, but that doesn’t help make it watchable. The only word that can describe any of these characters is “nice”. If you know me, you know that’s my least favorite word. Be something, anything all, other than “nice”. EVen when Deniro’s character is an asshole, he’s a “nice” asshole who’s just trying to do what’s right. There are no emotional arcs, and people go through the motions of learning, but there’s nothing to be learned here, for the characters, or for the audience. THey’ve finally figured out how to make mediocrity look more like garbage. I take back the alternate title, this is the most offensive comedy that will come out this year, based solely on the laziness of the creators who want you to shell out cash for this shlock.

SPOILER: This wasn’t directed by Gary Marshall.

RATING: *1/2 (out of ****)

ARTHUR NEWMAN

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AKA: That movie with those good actors you didn’t see.

REVIEW: Part road trip movie, part rom com, part hidden identity drama, Arthur Newman walks a tightrope of taking itself too seriously, and falling into the cliched pitfalls of all the genres it’s taking part in. What’s beautiful is that it actually pulls it off. There are a few missteps, overly saccharine moments, the occasional rough dialogue, but the script itself works fairly nicely. The movie is elevated by the chemistry of Colin FIrth and Emily Blunt, two people I would never thought of together, but totally make it work. Firth takes a milquetoast character and gives him enough edge so we don’t hate how boring he is, while not losing sight of realism. Blunt grounds her character that could so easily become a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, and while she certainly has moments, she doesn’t get lost in the quirk.

SPOILER: Arthur never gets the gold jacket because of some fucking technicality.

RATING: *** (out of ****)

Filed in Mike Gravagno, Movies, Trailer Trash | Tagged Arthur Newman, Pain & Gain, The Big Wedding | Comments (0)

Wake n Bake

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Wake n Bake

In which Erin informs you of the best movies to blaze to

We might as well face it—as long as it’s not happening to us, failure is hilarious. It’s often uncomfortable, especially when executed with a lack of confidence—like inexperienced comics bombing in a silent nightclub, stammering over their bits, their sweat affecting the room’s ambient humidity. But by Jove if it isn’t like salsa with ghost peppers—it hurts like hell, but we lap it up anyway. It is precisely this strange human behavior that spawned “Mystery Science Theater 3000” and the website Failblog.org.

Of course, some things are complete failures even when they turned out exactly how the artist wanted it—and these generally induce less feelings of guilt when we laugh at them. Trapped in the Closet, by R. Kelly, is one of these. It is singularly terrible. This “series” of sorts is presented with baffling bravado, with a conviction that borders on delusional, considering how half-assed a lot of it is (including the rhymes—“clothes” doesn’t rhyme with “door.”) And you’re never quite sure if R. Kelly is taking this completely seriously, or whether or not he expects you to do so. Early on in the series, he sings the words, “If you can believe it, it gets deeper from here.” Really? Because we’re pretty sure that’s the only viable direction.

Trapped in the Closet concerns a guy named Sylvester who wakes up in a lady’s house after an alcohol-fuelled night of clubbing—a lady that is not his wife! He doesn’t remember everything that happened last night, but before he can piece it all together, the sexy lady tells him to hide in the closet because her husband’s coming home. He gets found out (duh), but it turns out the lady’s husband has a secret of his own. He’s also sleeping with someone else—a man! (Sylvester’s quaint shock at homosexuality is ripe for laughs, given R. Kelly’s predilection for pissing on minors. And his decision to actually name the series “Trapped in the [Fucking] Closet.”) From here, the series goes… well, in basically whatever direction it damn well pleases. We eventually meet Sylvester’s girlfriend, her brother Twan, a cop, Rosy the Nosy Neighbor… One odd thing about this series that that its tone actually becomes progressively less serious, which generally works out just fine if you’re in an herbal mood and there’s a gathering of like-minded people.

At the time of this writing, there are 23 “chapters” in the series that each last a few minutes. (R. Kelly has publicly stated that he has more material planned, which means that nobody loves him enough to tell him that this was and still is the worst idea ever.) The entire thing is sung—an R&B opera buffa of sorts. But there aren’t any choruses, memorable hooks, or strong musical themes. R. Kelly hasn’t even provided us with a variety of songs. It’s the same beat each chapter, played over and over, with R. Kelly squishing in a bunch of words into each musical phrase. (There are many dramatic players, but anyone who isn’t R. Kelly simply lip synchs under his vocal recordings, which leads to hilarious results—for instance, his approximation of a white lady.)

Some of the lyrics are strange: “I close my mouth and swallow spit/As I think to myself, ‘This is some deep shit.’” (Spoiler: It’s not.) “I bought you some pears./I’m gonna eat this chicken.”

And then some of the lyrics are straight-up laughable: “And that’s when I started goin crazy/Like I was tryin to give her a baby.” “She’s three months pregnant./And then we all say, ‘Oh, shit!’”

But many of these lyrics are just dry and explanatory: “Next thing you know a call comes through on my cell phone/I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate…” “I’m in the closet like, man, what the fuck is going on?” I’ve read office memos that were more compelling. What’s more, they exhibit so much clutter. The banality of R. Kelly’s words require unnecessary clarifications and details to beef up the lyrical content: “Please sit down in this chair.” “Why do you have that smile upon your face?” Really? If your fictional ideas are this boring, why even bother trying to illustrate them by rhyming words (let alone paying people to act them out?) Oh, that’s another thing; the lyrics will often spell out the most obvious character action as it’s happening on screen—for example, “She blows smoke,” “He checks his watch,” “She answers the phone,” etc. This is much more tolerable if you’re stoned out of your gourd, of course, but the absurdity will not be lost on you.

Even though each chapter is incredibly thin, they’re already much longer than they need to be, all because of those damn lyrics! R. Kelly’s idea of dramatic tension is to frustrate the hell out of his audience. To accomplish this, half of the lyrics are non-descriptive placeholders that don’t move the story. Here is my approximation of these moments:

“You better start talking right now!”
“Alright, alright, let me calm down.”
“If you don’t tell me right now, I’m gonna get mad!” (character waves around Beretta for the umpteenth time)
“Well, you still haven’t told me whatever from 5 minutes ago.”
“Wait a minute, let me think.”

The amount of time this story-telling tactic sucks up is considerable when there’s at least one of these moments every chapter.

But I’m telling you—despite all the shit I’ve just talked about Trapped in the Closet, it is worth a baked watch. The whole thing is absolutely fucking ridiculous, and trust me, the laughs come big and easy with this one. The colorful characters, meandering plot, and atrocious dialog make for a wonderful compliment to your evening kush. And you won’t have to worry about walking away with any recognizable song stuck in your head.

Filed in Erin Wilson, Wake n Bake | Tagged r&b, r. kelly, stoned, trapped in the closet, wake n bake, worst idea ever | Comments (0)

In Case You Missed It

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

POP FILTER VS. THE CLASSICS

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

POP FILTER

VS.

THE CLASSICS OF 1979

MANHATTAN

For this installment of PopFilter versus the classics, we present 1979’s Manhattan, co-written, directed, and staring Woody Allen. It also stars Diane Keaton, Meryl Streep, and Muriel Hemmingway. Now, pretty much any film student or any pretentious butt-munch at the independent coffee house loves to speak at length about the genius of Woody Allen, given the opportunity. And I tell ya, Manhattan is quintessential Allen. Its misanthropic perspective of New York and its inhabitants is so good and so real that I never want to see it again.

This movie is from the golden age of cinema. A time when directors were trying out new shooting and lighting techniques and were trying to tell different kinds of stories, ones that deviated from the fair-tale, feel-good model of the epics who featured noble characters who lived large lives. Manhattan is a great example of this deviation; it is the antithesis of the romantic comedy. The plot isn’t special, in fact it’s the opposite of special. It’s really nothing out of the ordinary. Its normal people living normal lives that do sometimes do shitty/stupid things and in the end the characters are no happier or fulfilled than then they were when the movie started.

It centers on Woody Allen’s character Isaac Davis, a squinty, neurotic 42 year-old who cannot seem to make a real connection with the women in his world. On its surface, it’s a story about how selfish and stupid people can be in love, they want what they can’t have and don’t want what they do have. If you go beneath that you get a feel for the core of this New Yorker specimen that needs with the intensity of starvation coupled with the fact he or she has no idea how to satisfy that need. The only character in the whole movie who has any claim to innocence is Muriel Hemmingway, Isaac’s 17-year-old girlfriend. I know that’s weird, being abject pedophilia and all, but, shit, just go with it. It has a point. She is the only person in the movie not tainted by her experience with life’s disappointments and heartbreak. And because of that she comes off as a wide-eyed, intelligent person who seems to have her shit together a lot more than any of the adults in the film. She is nonjudgmental and loves without the fear of rejection, having never known that feeling before. Isaac pushes her away, under the guise of wanting her to experience life because she is just a kid, but really she bores him, and more to the point he has fallen for Diane Keaton’s character, an equally neurotic woman, Mary Wilkie, who is kind of an asshole. She tries to legitimize herself as an intellectual by making an opera out of the ordinary, whether she is historicizing her torrid relationship with her ex-husband, (who turns out to be the “inconceivable” guy from the Princess Bride, I mean come on, she described his as a sex god, it’s pretty fucking funny, now that I think about it,) dropping $10 words into conversations about art and the female orgasm, and over using the word “genius” as an adjective. Isaac tells her at one point, “Boy, you know a lot of geniuses. You should meet a few stupid people, you really might learn something.” But her life is a god damn mess. She keeps affirming things to herself that she is a beautiful intelligent person who is from Philadelphia where people aren’t shitty, but really, she isn’t convincing anyone. She keeps making the same self-destructive decisions that have led her to heartbreak. She’s no Snow White or Scarlett O’Hara. She’s just Mary Wilkie.

However the real star of the movie is New York borough of Manhattan . The whole reason directors started telling a story like this is because they thought it would be much more interesting to tell the story of people as they are; that perfection is boring. People don’t have perfectly scripted conversations where one person starts speaking, stops, and then the next person talks. When people talk, they interrupt and talk all over each other. This movie’s treatment of the city of New York is the same as its treatment of its characters. It is non-glamorous and authentic. It shows you New York through the eyes of someone that is immersed in it. The opening sequence is a voice over of Isaac trying to write the first chapter of his book playing over different shots from around the city. Isaac is talking about how much he loves the New York; how he couldn’t live anywhere else, even with all its filth and degeneracy. And believe you me, New York had plenty of that shit in the late 70s early 80s, it was a veritable shit hole. There are shots of this city as it is, with its people, piles of trash, congestion, architecture and skyline. This movie it is what it is, and it is what it isn’t.-SR

Filed in Movies, Popfilter vs. The Classics, Stephanie Rose | Tagged 1979, MANHATTAN, WOODY ALLEN | Comments (0)

APRIL TV EXTRAVAGANZA

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

APRIL TV EXTRAVAGANZA

DA VINCI’S DEMONS

1/2 (out of **)

“If you thought The DaVinci Code was really cool, then maybe you should watch this” is bouncing around the brains of everyone who works at Starz, and you know what? They’re probably right. You should watch this. But I’d like to think that it’s my job to speak to the people who didn’t think that The DaVinci Code was cool, and to them I’ll say that this is at least a little better. Both do a good job of Embracing Their Stupid, but Demons takes it a little farther, whereas Code stops right there. In reality, the only thing they have in common is their alphabetic proximity.

Tom Riley stars as a young, trendy (by today’s standards) Leonardo, who finds the time not just to lead, but also do machines, be cool but rude, and be a party dude. He’s a smarmy asshole, almost intolerable if it wasn’t for his cool hair and the fact that he’s the lead. LeoD runs around town inventing shit, fucking babes, and giving the finger to the man. All of this is done in the least docudrama style possible, lest any morons think that they are watching the history channel and believe any of this shit. The History’s Mysteries of it all falls flat, and what you’re left with is Elementary by way of The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles, which is totally okay if they just kept with it. But if that’s what you’re offering me, you have to keep the pace up, and Demons falls into the quicksand of its own seriousness far too often. The battle between DaVinvi the Showman and DaVinci the Tortured Artist could have been an interesting, if not tired, idea, if only the show didn’t get so sad when the Showman isn’t in the scene.

YOUR PRETTY FACE IS GOING TO HELL

1/2 (out of **)

The premise is so simple and brilliant: the offices of Hell are just like the offices you work in or, more appropriately, the office that you work in is just like hell. And so we follow Gary, the fat slacker, and Claude, the new nerdy intern, as they live out their rut in a job that doesn’t just feel like it will last an eternity, it literally will. The two get sent on a mission by their manager/Satan, and botch it on every level. It’s never as funny as feels like it should be, or one day will be, but let’s not forget that we’re all trying to be kinder to pilots around the hellish PopFilter offices, and if you replace the necessary world building with an extra laugh or two, this show might have the goods. And because it’s an Adult Swim show, there’s almost no investment: the first episode is less than twelve minutes.

RECTIFY

*(out of **)

And yet another example of everything that can go right, and wrong, in a pilot. Daniel Holden is released from prison after spending 20 years on death row. When he was in high school, he was accused of raping and murdering a 16 year old girl, and he confessed to the crime. Two decades later, it turns out that there’s a problem with the evidence used to convict him: his sperm was not among all of the other sperms that were found at the scene of the crime. So, during a much publicized event in this small Georgia (?) town, he is released to the world, to a press conference, to cheers and boos, and to a Senator who made his name with the case, and isn’t going to stop until he’s back. Rectify (which starts with a prison guard going through a prisoner’s rectum, the best title screen not featuring a title I’ve ever seen) is SLOW, the kind of slow that is hard to find on television, particularly in a pilot. But the slower it is, the better it works, as we get to figure out WHO exactly this guy is, and what his life will be like now. Unfortunately, the show is just as preoccupied with the WHO as it is the WHAT, as in WHAT actually happened, and WHAT will the (evil) Senator do about it. These are the parts that move quickly, but couldn’t be more boring. Stock, 2-D characters speaking in cliches, which looks that much worse in comparison to the other half of Rectify. Even the writing gets worse in these scenes. The Senator asks a lawyer if he remembers the case. The lawyer says that he was there, and then asks the Senator if he remembers that. The Senator says yes, but he wanted to make sure that the lawyer remembered. Yeesh. I almost expected him to look at the camera and ask “But do they remember?” It’s a testament to the show that it works this well with a lead that is so quiet and inside of himself (Rectify!), and that it can make it through a couple of clunky scenes. Good luck, Rectify. I think I might be on board.

-Ryan Haley

Filed in Ryan Haley, TV | Tagged davinci's demons, rectify, your pretty face is going to hell | Comments (0)

FUCK THAT CALF!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

FUCK THAT CALF!

In which we slay the things others hold dear

Jennifer Lawrence

An odd phenomenon has been occurring throughout the land of pop-culture based internet. People have begun to hope that Anne Hathaway dies soon, or at least quits the business. This phenomenon isn’t the odd one; this one actually makes a little bit sense. I like Anne Hathaway, and think that she’s taking way too much shit right now, for seemingly doing nothing, but it isn’t shocking. She’s an easy punching bag, because she has it too nice, and we know she will take all of the insults to heart, something that makes insulting people all the more fun for Internetters. The odd phenomenon is actually what has happened at the exact same time: Jennifer Lawrence’s rise to prominence. Also not odd in itself, but combined with the Hateaway Blitz, it becomes clear that the two phenomena actually caused each other. If it wasn’t for J-Law, people would still love Anne Hathaway. If we didn’t hate Anne Hathaway, there would be no room for J-Law. Please let me be one of the first to say that all y’all are picking the wrong girl.

Anne Hathaway is pretty in a way that only stars are. She’s an incredibly talented, if not overly dramatic, actress, and we all know that she’s a great singer. She’s fucked up a couple times (hosting the Oscars, Bride Wars), but hey, she’s already in the Club, so she can afford a few mess-up’s. We elevated her into the Club’s VIP room, where she can stay for as long as we want. But when we want her out, we will mercilessly make it rain with the blood of the slit throat that was her career.

At the same time the world is figuring out that Anne Hathaway might be a little too calculatingly popular and successful, here comes Jennifer Lawrence. She is talented, sure, as anyone who has seen Winter’s Bone will tell you. But there’s more here. She’s a moron. She talks like a normal person. She doesn’t like getting all gussied up, or talking about art that has anymore cultural merit than a Transformers movie. She’s one of us! And just because we crippled the country voting two times for a president that’s just like us, doesn’t mean we can’t also fall for a starlet that’s one of us as well. That’s true, and although J-Law’s rise to prominence or recent Best Actress win doesn’t scare me anymore about the budget than I already am, I still think you’re betting on the wrong horse, and it’s not even close.

Close your eyes. Remember Silver Linings Playbook. Remember smiling at all of Jennifer Lawrence’s quirky lines and “tell-it-like-it-is” attitude. Now…did she really deserve an Oscar for that? Yes? You still say yes? Now remember that the Oscars are allegedly supposed to give Best Actress Oscars to the woman who performed better than anyone else in a lead role, not to the actress we want to hang out with because I bet in real life she burps purty good. Still gonna give it to her? That’s what I thought.

There’s not much else you can blame this elevated popularity on, aside from the fact that she played the lead in a movie based on a tween book, but that would mean that Kristen Stewart should be adored by the world at large, and that doesn’t seem to be the case. Let’s take a look at her career, after Winter’s Bone, to see if we could figure it out.

2011 – Like Crazy, The Beaver

Didn’t see either one of these, but she was a supporting character in both, so let’s move on.

2011 – X-Men: First Class

Perfect example. If Jennifer Lawrence is the scene stealing wunderkind that everyone makes her out to be, wouldn’t she have done something at least the slightest bit memorable with this admittedly half-baked role?

2012 – Devil You Know

Oh, of course. Devil You Know. This must be the performance that permanently stole America’s heart. Next.

2012 – The Hunger Games

Here’s where things get a little confusing to me, but probably clear some things up for you. I thought this movie was much stupider than everyone else did, thinking it was much closer to the level of a Twilight movie then that of something good. But she was better than your average Twilight performance. Better – but that doesn’t mean great. She was able to bring a little bit of gravitas to a flat role with shitty dialogue, but is this why we should anoint her the new queen of Hollywood, and burn an old queen to the ground?

2012 – House at the End of the Street

Next.

2012 – Silver Linings Playbook

See above, a little higher above that, and then at the very top.

That’s it? That’s the filmography that did it for you, America? That’s horse shit. Here’s what we’re actually going to do: we’re going to let Anne Hathaway keep acting, and we’re going to crawl out of her ass. She’s sensitive, and doesn’t need it. Then we’re going to take the four or five years it took us to realize Crash sucked to realize the same about Silver Linings Playbook. We’re going to realize it right this moment. There’s nothing we can do about the Oscar, and I’m not saying we should bounce Jennifer Lawrence from the Club. But everyone settle the fuck down, and let’s see what else she has in store for us.

-Ryan Haley

Filed in Fuck That Calf, Ryan Haley | Tagged Jennifer Lawrence | Comments (0)

Welcome to the Internet

Monday, April 22, 2013

Welcome to the Internet

Well hello again yourpopfiltramps! I’d like to introduce you to our shiny new feature article: Welcome to the Internet, where I do the web surfing so you can do the couch surfing! Every other week or so I’ll be dumping the newest and best silly shit the internet has to offer right here at yourpopfilter.com. You’ll be informed on the latest memes and trending web articles and all you have to do is wade through the self-righteous ranting and pontificating that Sam Boyce is compelled to include in everything he does. Let’s get started!

Newest Meme: Gordon Ramsay

Real quick for those of you who might not know what a “meme” is: the word “meme” was invented by famed biologist Richard Dawkins to describe the fundamental unit of a thought or idea. It was meant to be for thoughts what genes are for living organisms: constantly evolving and interacting in different ways to produce different outcomes. Then the internet got ahold of it and now it’s used to describe stupid pictures that have text overlaid on them. The text is meant to follow the theme of the picture to generate comedic results. You usually get tired of them in about a day.

For example this meme has been trending around the web:

It features Gordan Ramsay screaming in the face of a contestant on his hit reality TV show Hell’s Kitchen with the text being a one-liner about poorly cooked food. It’s usually the sort of joke that would have been funny if a comedian had told it 90 years ago. It’s only funny now because of its juxtaposition with the irate energy you imagine Mr. Ramsay would sell it with.

Internet Rant: Boston Marathon edition

In the wake of the Boston Marathon tragedy several people decided they should also show the world how shitty they are and what better way to do so than on the internet. News media sources, in their struggle to be the first to break a story or just stay current with what other media outlets were publishing on their websites published some things that were, to be blunt, completely and totally un-fucking-true. This should be unacceptable to us in a fundamental way. The purpose of news media is to inform the public of things that may be outside the realm of the average persons knowledge. It’s one of those concepts that’s necessary for a functioning democracy, so you know, kinda important. When they publish things that aren’t true or are misleading they are harming our entire society. If you think that’s an exaggeration, think on this: newspapers are a primary source for knowledge, meaning historians and analysts the world around use them to build their theories and narratives. If they’re writing things that aren’t true they are screwing up everything from government policy to how this entire era of history will be viewed in the future. One of the worst offenders was The New York Post, who apparently took wild speculation and ran with it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to link to their site (and never will) but here’s animalnewyork.com calling them out.

Educated journalists weren’t the only ones touting their ignorance in the hours and days following the bombing, however. Regular, everyday schmoes like you and me were more than happy to get on Facebook, Twitter and every other social media site to show the world just what level of moron they are. One common and inexcusable mistake people made was a confusion of the Chechen Republic in the Russian Federation (also commonly called Chechnya), a once disputed area that is still a sometimes-flashpoint for terrorism and violence, with the Czech Republic, an independent nation in Eastern Europe. I know the words Czech and Chech sound pretty much the same but here’s the thing: Chech isn’t even a fucking word and there is no reason to be that fucking ignorant. Even if it were, maybe you should do just a tiny bit more digging if you’re going to call for the bombing of a country. It might end up you’re talking about a flourishing democracy that’s a member of the European Union.

I’ve got two thing to say about this and then I’ll move on. The first is a relatively small point a lot of people seemed to let slide in the face of the awesome ignorance being displayed by a person who doesn’t know the difference between two places in the world that are distinct geographically, culturally and historically but would still like for the people in one of those places to be violently killed in retaliation for an act committed by individuals who happen to be from that region: Czechoslovakia is not a country. It hasn’t been a country for a little over 20 years. Stop talking about Czechoslovakia as if it were currently a nation or state: it’s not.

My second point is a larger one. If you’re posting on a social media site then obviously you have access to the internet, if you have access to the internet then you have access to the greatest collection of human knowledge ever created: THE FUCKING INTERNET. You would be hard-pressed to come up with a piece of information that CAN’T be found on the internet. So if you’re on the internet and about to voice an opinion for all the world to see you probably have 30 seconds to make sure you have the smallest shred of an idea of what it is you are expressing that opinion about. Everyone makes mistakes but you can, at the very least, hide the fact that you’re a moron with a quick Google search every now and again.

That’s it for now folks. Here’s a gif to keep you entertained until next time.

-SB

Filed in Sam Boyce, Welcome to the Internet | | Comments (0)

PopFilter Podcast Episode 90

Friday, April 19, 2013

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

On this episode of the podcast, everyone looks at themselves and thinks a lot about their life choices. They also talk about “Bankrupt!” by Phoenix and Wuthering Heights. Enjoy it, because lord knows the friends didn’t.

Filed in Uncategorized | Tagged Bankrupt, Hall of Fame, Phoenix, Wuthering Heights | Comments (0)

TRAILER TRASH

Friday, April 19, 2013

TRAILER TRASH

In which we review the films opening this weekend, just based on the trailer, to 100 percent accuracy

OBLIVION

Download | YouTube MP3 Converter

AKA: FORGETTABLE

REVIEW: Tom Cruise plays a pitch perfect Tom Cruise where he runs around and shoots thing while still remaining somehow charming. Morgan Freeman takes on his mysterious side, where he’s wise, but might be evil. Neither is reaching for anything spectacular, and the script doesn’t call for that anyway. Oblivion asks less questions then Wall-e, hell it asks less questions than the Matrix. The timeline never makes sense no matter how hard they try to explain it, and the villain is too cartoonish to really buy into. Turn your brain off and check it out.

SPOILER: Tom Cruise is actually in a mental hospital the whole time.

RATING: **1/2 (out 0f ****)

LORDS OF SALEM

AKA: BLOOD METAL SATAN WITCH GHOST

REVIEW: Rob Zombie throws his hat into the latest trend of witchcraft and demonology horror and delivers exactly what you’d expect. I think the issue here is that he’s writing as well as directing, and his directing skills outweigh his writing ability. He’s no genius behind the camera, but he has a knack for shooting horror. The writing on the other hand is far too much of a nod to the movies Zombie liked growing up, and does nothing to add to the genre. That coupled with his tendency to choose “more real” actors (read: not good) means watching any of his films hard to sit through. Lords of Salem in particular is difficult because it tries so hard to build suspense, and has no idea how to make the audience care.

SPOILER: Rob Zombie is actually a decent actor.

RATING: *1/2(out of ****)

FILLY BROWN

Download | YouTube MP3 Converter

AKA: L8dy Mile

REVIEW: Filly Brown tries to be too many things, and suffers for it (which is kind of the same thing that happens to the titular character). The main two plots never meld in a way that’s believable, or all that entertaining. We see Filly trying to make it in the rap world, fighting against the female stereotypes, and trying not to let success ruin her. Simultaneously, her mom is in jail and owes people money, and her family has to figure out how to help her (like that Rock movie that came out a few months ago). Juggling between these two stretches the movie thin, but adding Filly getting pregnant with a crack baby just makes absolutely no sense. More drama don’t mean more better!

SPOILER: Her acting career will be a footnote as a rapper in 2 years.

RATING: ** (out of ****)

Filed in Mike Gravagno, Movies, Trailer Trash | Tagged FILLY BROWN, LORDS OF SALEM, OBLIVION | Comments (0)

PopFilter Podcast: Countdown

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

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On this episode of the PopFilter Podcast, the friends countdown their dream hosts to become the new Jimmy Fallon as he embarks on his quest to become the new Jay Leno. Everyone gets mad.

Filed in Jason Noble, Mike Gravagno, Podcast, Ryan Haley | Tagged Angry, Countdown, Friendship, JIMMY FALLON, Screaming | Comments (0)

The Thirst Games

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Mad Men: The Drinking Game; or Why Punk Sucks

Punk rock is terrible. Now, I’m not talking about the music alone, because though the vast majority of it is unlistenable garbage, there are some bands in that genre that are undeniably great. I grew up on a healthy diet of Green Day, The Clash, The Ramones, The Germs, and The Velvet Underground (which gets included in this genre, for some crazy reason.) I’m talking about the pathos of this subculture which consists of a group of people who purposefully put themselves on the margins of society. Punks have extreme tendencies, from the way they dress to the way they brawl, their politics and choices in hairstyle. It’s about rebellion. My problem is in the bones of this message; I’m railing against the package they sold you.

The one on the far left’s mom drives a Range Rover

The punk scene appealed to those who felt outside of mainstream culture. It was a phenomenon that swept up those who thought of themselves as disenfranchised youths who were disgusted with the life that American consumerism offered (don’t bring up the fact that Punk rock shared a lot of popularity in Great Britain, I am not talking about those wenuses. The rebellion of British punkers against their governments were for their own political reasons). And believe me, philosophically, I can totally understand that reaction. But here’s the thing that was so disingenuous about punk rawk: It became a subculture that had a specific attitude, lifestyle, and very specific clothing of things that were designed to be purposefully shocking. Not to mention all the bastardized incantations that came after (I’m looking at you, Avril Lavgine). It all seems so disingenuous because, look, weirdos have no idea they are weird. They aren’t trying to be anything, they just are who they are and don’t care what mainstream society thinks of them, like Salvador Dali or Weird Al Yankovic.

Way cooler than Johnny Rotten

To purposefully put yourself in the fringes of society still takes a working knowledge of the stuff a society considers normal (wearing a tie, brushing one’s hair) and intentionally subverting that. If you don’t like what society thinks is normal, and project an image that represents the exact opposite of that, then all you are doing is reinforcing that what society thinks is normal is in fact normal. You are letting the culture that you are rebelling against (for telling you who to be) by letting it tell you who to be. You are actively buying the clothes, the music, and the hair dye that you think best represent who you are as a person; it’s still consumerism. Rebellion against normality is never more than an illusion, because it is defined by what it’s rebelling against and still has to play by the rules that the larger society sets. And with a few exceptions, the music just sounds like a bunch of guys screeching into microphones and banging their instruments against the amps who found a way to market themselves well.

Sex-Pistols-0001

Mad Men is the antithesis of everything those punkers stood for. It takes place in a sleek, polished, Madison Avenue advertising agency. Over the last six seasons, Mad Men has detailed the lives of the people who work at the firm Sterling Cooper Draper Price. And I do mean detailed — it’s been a slow burn. Creator Matthew Weiner has laid out the story at a deliberately slow pace. The show maintains several different story lines by only giving you tiny and infrequent glimpses into the inner world of the characters. The breakout star of the show is the popular and multitalented Jon Hamm, who plays Donald Draper. Draper is a cool, complicated, and nuts-deep, fucked-up ad man. Some of my favorite parts of the show deal with the way Draper’s firm constructs these advertisements. They get right down to the basic human experience, and how we construct our identity through the things we buy. Draper isn’t just trying to sell you garbage you don’t need to swindle you out of your food stamps and spare income. That’s part of it, but he seems to have a preternatural instinct for what makes people fit together. He is able to take this knowledge and spearhead these campaigns that both get to the heart of what people desire and mock the culture ironically. Take a look at this ad from the show:

It’s an ad for lipstick, but in its message is a clear connection between feminine beauty and power. Her lipstick not only enhances her lips, but symbolizes her prowess over her man. Look at the woman — She isn’t smiling like a goon staring off in the distance, she is looking deadpan into your eyes, which is a powerful, aggressive image. Image is important. It’s important to an advertising agency, and it’s important to a teenage punk rocker buying her first pair of Doc Martins. It helps us to define who we are to the outside world. Mad Men is about the understanding of that image, its hypocrisy, and the way that image is constructed.

Phew, that was meaty. Let’s have a drink.

The Mad Men Drinking Game Rules:

1. Pick a hero

A. Roger Cooper (John Slatterly)

You’ll need a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka. Drink it neat or in a dry Martini.

B. Donald Draper (Jon Hamm)

You’ll need bourbon, either neat or in an Old Fashioned.

C. Peggy Olson (Elizabeth Moss)

You need whiskey, neat or with Ginger Ale on the rocks.

Rules:

Drink when anyone drinks.

Goodnight!

-SR

Filed in Stephanie Rose | Tagged Don Draper, drinking games, Mad Men, music, Punk Rock, The Thirst Games | Comments (0)

Ryan and Jason Vs. SNL

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE:

VINCE VAUGHN/MIGUEL

5 SKITS

(3 HITS, 2 SHITS)

THE HITS

ROUNDBALL ROCK

How to Write an SNL Skit (High Concept Edition): “the higher the concept, the lamer the skit” is a rule with few exceptions, particularly for skits positioned earlier in the show. This concept, in which we flashback to see John Tesh, and his brother, pitching an NBA theme song to NBC, is okay, although you can’t help but recall Bill Murray’s lounge singer when you find out that the joke of the skit is that the other Tesh’s contribution are obvious lyrics over what is meant to me instrumental music. The key to the high concept skit is that, once the premise has run thin, which is always sooner than they think, have a twist. We’ll sit through four minutes of predictability if we can get just one minute of surprise. This skit has just enough. – RH

LAST CALL

How to Write an SNL Skit (Low Concept Edition): Low concept premises are really just a string of jokes. The key is to have more hits than misses. This one barely qualifies. I have no idea why Kate McKinnon, who I actually really liked, decided to do an announced impression of Cheri Oteri in this one, but McKinnon and Vince Vaughn’s “waterworks display” is worth the price of admission alone. – RH

HISTORY OF PUNK

Every single thing about this skit is spot on. And what it might lack in laugh out loud moments, it more than makes up for in gleefully entertaining satire. The idea that the meanest dude in punk gets dismantled for being too nice to a political figure is ludicrous, save for the fact that this skit makes you realize how painfully true that would actually be. Bill Hader and Taran Killam are spot on in their mannerisms and vocal inflections as the aged punk-rockers but it is really Fred Armisen that steals the show. Watch the skit through to the end and watch him talk about the Euro. If it doesn’t make you piss laughter, you are dead inside. – JRN

THE SHITS

JUNIOR PROM

This skit is scattershot as shit, and none of it works. A weird, rich man (Vaughn), who lives above a junior prom, decides to finance the prom, so he can attend and inappropriately dance with the young boys. Too weird to be funny, not weird enough to be good. – RH

LAST CALL

This whole skit is a disaster. Vince Vaughn, once amazing at the “talk really fast and give people funny nicknames” thing has lost it. The monologue was not as funny as it would have been 15 years ago and he (Vaughn) has now been reduced to doing what can only be described as a characature of his former self. This skit, more than any other in the show, presents us with a tired Vince and a terribly hacky McKinnon lost in an ocean of a skit without so much as one joke. – JRN

SEE YOU IN THREE WEEKS FOR ZACH GALIFIANAKIS AND OF MONSTERS

AND MEN!!!

Filed in Jason Noble, Ryan Haley, TV | Tagged bill hader, fred armisen, history of punk, john tesh, junior prom, kate mckinnon, last call, miguel, nba, roundball rock, Saturday Night Live, SNL, vince vaughn | Comments (0)

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?

In which we tell you about awesome things that you must look into and enjoy

Watch “House of Cards”

I know that we have reviewed this on the podcast, but fuck that. I didn’t get to heap quite enough praise on this show in February so I will not take the time to do so. Kevin Spacey is spot on, Robin Wright is sleekly and sneakily a dangerous player in this game and each and every bit player does everything that they can to make this show awesome. The craziest part? It totally works. From the underlings to the leaders to the POTUS himself, this show is compelling drama that will sink its hooks into you. And frankly, once that’s done, you are fucked. Enjoy the next 13 hours of your life! – JRN

Hey, You Know What You Should Do? is an reoccurring article we have here at YPF where instead of giving practical advice like you should eat your veggies and floss, we take something from the world of entertainment that we really like personally and feel is underrated for you to watch, listen to (or much less often….no seriously never) read. It’s totally subjective and we rely on you, our readers, to view us as pop culture connoisseurs and defer to our expertise. And you should, we have solid group of writers, some of which have written screenplays, directed, earned degrees in film, some are musicians and songwriters, and some are just straight pop culture junkies. I belong in that last category. I watched the first season on Game of Thrones in approximately three chunks over a two-day period. I decided not to sleep for something that was infinitely more awesome and necessary. I routinely spend my free time rewatching whole seasons of shit, forgoing any kind of social life, because I think a better use of my time is to watch Arrested Development, the best sitcom of all time (go ahead and argue with that, I fucking dare you) over and over again. It is with this fanatical dedication to watching television that I recommend to you the Netflix original serious House of Cards. It hasn’t been too long since whole seasons of shows were available for viewing. It use to be that the only way to watch shows was week to week, or if a show was lucky enough to be sold into syndication, you might get an opportunity to see reruns and occasionally an episode you missed. They were very dark times. Then DVDs came along and they were able to put a lot more content on a much more compact medium and they started selling whole seasons in DVD packages. So from anywhere between $30-$100+ dollars, you could purchase entire seasons, even entire series. But you had to already be a fan. Then a little company called Netflix came around and completely revolutionized the way we watch television. They thought we should be able to stream video live using our televisions, computers, smart phones, and tablets. Suddenly you didn’t have to spend $50 or worry about scratching up the DVDs you borrowed from your buddy Jeff to check out a show you weren’t even sure you liked. And you didn’t have to wait a week for the next episode, you could just hit the “Next Episode” button and BAM! You’re fuckin there. Which brings me to the my recommendation, “House of Cards.” The entire season was released at once on Netflix, which means it has never been aired on television. This is a new kind of show. There is no god-awful pilot to sit through and tt’s designed to be watched multiple episodes at a time. The opening scene of the second episode picks up exactly where the last scene from the previous episode left off. The rhythm and they way suspense is built are very different than a typical drama. Each episode doesn’t close with a cliffhanger, or some question that you need to tune in next week to find out the answer to, the next episode is right there for your viewing pleasure to watch whenever you feel like it. There isn’t pressure to keep those Nielsen’s up, a pressure which inevitable effects the quality of a show because studio producers show up with their notes on how to appeal to the common man, a.k.a the idiot population, to boost ratings. Perhaps because of this House of Cards more closely resembles a very long play with a very high production value than a television drama. The show stars Kevin Spacey who is brilliant, especially given the Tennessee Williams level of dialogue he is given which I’m sure is damn near impossible to pull off, and Robyn Wright as his wife (and daaamn, Princess Buttercup is aging reeeeeeally well for a white lady.) Spacey plays a nearly sociopathic Senate Whip who is slighted by a president he helped get elected. The show is about his ability to play puppeteer to the legislative and executive branches of government. You should probably watch this show, as I think it is the beginning of a complete change of landscape in the way shows are produced and viewed. So go do that.-SR

Filed in Hey, You Know What You Should Do?, Jason Noble, Stephanie Rose | Tagged house of cards, Kevin Spacey, Netflix, Robin Wright | Comments (0)

Popfilter Goes to the Movies

Monday, April 15, 2013

G.I. Joe – Retaliation

Today we’re talking about the half reboot, half sequel to a movie in which an iceberg sinks in water, so we can skip the part where we discuss merit or quality. G.I. Joe – Retaliation is garbage. If you’re watching it for anything other than guilty pleasure you’re already wrong. Go home and think about how terrible you are. This movie doesn’t belong in your fancy country club, it belongs in the bum fighting ring that the valets are running out of the parking garage. And as long as you’re guilty you might as well try to squeeze as much pleasure as possible out of it so the important question today isn’t whether or not Retaliation is good, it’s whether it’s awesomely dumb or just plain stupid.

There’s a really vague line between the two and man…this thing is just draped all the fuck over it. If there’s one thing I can give G.I. Joe credit for, it’s that whether or not the end result is the good kind of bad all the ingredients for it to be that way are certainly there. It was written by the duo behind Zombieland so there’s hope that at least some part of it will be clever. It was also directed by John M. Chu, whom you’ll recognize either from his work on Step Up 2: The Streets or his inclusion on IMDB user tlev92’s lists, “directors i would love to see make a yugioh live action movie” and “directors that i look up too”

You’ll have to forgive his typo – it should read “directors that I look up 2: the streets.

If credits like that weren’t enough to convince you, the folks behind G.I. Joe – Retaliation even brought in ringers. I’ve already made my pro-Rock action movie stance very clear. If I were trying to ‘fix’ a franchise after a commercially successful but passionately hated movie like G.I. Joe – The Rise of Cobra, the Rock is exactly the kind of person I would want to bring in. Bruce Willis is just the icing on the cake. All the pieces are in place for this a big dumb action movie, just how we like ‘em. And there are certain points where G.I. Joe – Retaliation absolutely hits that mark. About a third of the way through the movie, for instance, the writers clearly said “Fuck this main story, let’s do some shit with ninjas.” The result is a smash cut to a blind ninja master played by none other than RZA talking about how honor needs to be avenged and justice served and a bunch of other bullshit and it’s all clearly an excuse for ninjas to have a sword fight while rappelling down a mountain. It’s completely unnecessary to the plot and they could’ve easily cut it out, but then there wouldn’t have been a rappelling ninja sword fight. That’s the sort the sort of thing that makes a bad movie fun.

See? This movie’s already halfway there.

There’s also way too many of the kind of moments that make a bad movie boring. This isn’t exactly a hard PG-13, which is to be expected. Still, watching shootouts that are carefully crafted to make it look like no one actually got hurt for an hour and half can wear on you. It also spends a lot of time explaining what happened after the first movie and how the two are tied together. That’s kind of frustrating because the whole fucking point of tagging the Rock in and changing directors is that the studio is admitting how shitty the first one was. They wanted to keep making G.I. Joe movies because they’re a goldmine and they knew it was too soon for a Hulk-style reboot so they made this big show about how things were different now. Then they went and shot a movie that references the first shitty movie all the way through.

Watch out for a sweet cameo from that iceberg!

This movie is no Fast 5, although that’s what it wants to be. It’s just nowhere near as fun. Watching Fast 5 is like watching a child stick legos up his nose. It doesn’t matter that you’re supposed to build things with those pieces, because you’ve found something way cooler to do with them anyways. G.I. Joe is more like watching your dad put together an Ikea table. What makes a dumb movie awesome is a childish sort of glee. G.I. Joe doesn’t have that – it’s failure by committee. When I watch a bad movie like Fast 5 I enjoy it because the people who made it really cared about whether or not it was good. It’s just that their idea of what makes a good movie is hilariously dumb. G.I. Joe – Retaliation fails overall because a large group of people tried to imitate that in a way that guarantees financial success, which is tragically stupid. – DT

It's a shame to see mindless money-grubbing infect the remake of a cartoon whose sole purpose was to sell you action figures.

It’s a shame to see such mindless money-grubbing infect the remake of a cartoon whose sole purpose was to sell you action figures.

Filed in Daniel Tompkins, Movies | | Comments (0)

TRAILER TRASH

Friday, April 12, 2013

TRAILER TRASH

In which we review the films opening this weekend, just based on the trailer, to 100 percent accuracy

Download | YouTube MP3 Converter

AKA: Sports Biopic #1

REVIEW: Living in the “postracial” times that we are constantly told we’re in, it’s surprising we’re just getting the story of Jackie Robinson now. I guess movie studios figured we’re all pretty worn out on musical biopics, and it’s time to move to a new medium. Everyone gives solid performances, but the film is held back by the constant attempt to hammer home the message at how hard it was, and what a hero Robinson is to the nation. We get it, it’s why we’re here…stop with the constant monologuing.

SPOILER: Turns out a bunch of actors I love, including Alan Tudyk and that guy from Jericho, are really really good at “acting” racist.

RATING: *** (out of ****)

SCARY MOVIE 5

Download | YouTube MP3 Converter

AKA: FUCKING WHY?!?!

REVIEW: I understand many people like to turn their brains off while being entertained. But that fact that this is the 5th installment in the Scary Movie franchise, and that there are now competing sides in the reference-as-joke “parody” movies makes me want to quit. Quit this website, quite going to work, quit at life in general. If someone could tell me what they found redeeming about these movies at all I’d…well, not shut up, I’d just know who to avoid for the rest of my time on this shitty planet where this is still allowed to be made.

SPOILER: There will be more. Some asshole in Peoria, Iowa just keeps eating this up.

REJECTED TAGLINE: Seriously….who sees the shit?

RATING: * (out of ***) [I wish we went into negative stars.]

TO THE WONDER

Download | YouTube MP3 Converter

AKA: Tree of Life 2: Ocean of Love.

REVIEW: Anyone who has been a long time listener of the PopFilter Podcast knows how we feel about the Tree of Life. This is more of the same, with less rage and more love. It feels saccharine at times, but the stunning visuals and understated performances more than make up for the cloying narration by Javier Bardem.

SPOILER: This is the most gorgeous film you will see all year.

REJECTED TAGLINE: That’s right. A Terrence Malick movie in less than a decade.

RATING: *** 1/2 (out of ****)

(It’s like the studios got together and released 42 and To the Wonder to counterbalance the damage Scary Movie 5 could do. It’s shocking those 2 aren’t being released next fall.)

Filed in Mike Gravagno, Movies, Trailer Trash | Tagged 42, JACKIE ROBINSON, SCAR MOVIE 5, TERRENCE MALICK, TO THE WONDER | Comments (0)

PopFilter Podcast Episode 89

Friday, April 12, 2013

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

On this episode of the PopFilter Podcast, the friends learn a lot about life, but more about Hannibal and Django Unchained. For reals…this shay gets cray.

Filed in Jason Noble, Mike Gravagno, Podcast, Ryan Haley | Tagged 2112, Django Unchained, Hannibal, Rush | Comments (0)

Wake n Bake

Thursday, April 11, 2013

WAKE N BAKE

In which Erin informs you of the best movies to blaze to

Alright, I’ve been hitting the deep stuff pretty hard since I started this column, so I think it’s time we lighten things up a bit. This one’s a comedy.

There’s a pretty big difference between “Oh man, we should watch this stoned!” and “Oh… eh, we could probably watch it stoned.” MacGruber, unfortunately, falls into the latter camp. This movie is the most recent to join the sad pantheon of SNL skits spun into 89 effortful minutes. The fact that I was not privy to its SNL origins prior to viewing the film shows how long it’s been since I’ve watched the NBC staple. (But come on, can you blame me? That shit started going downhill with “Lothar of the Hill People.”) But even without this knowledge, I suspected something was up, what with all the easy jokes being stretched as thin as shrink wrap. The film does about as well as you’d expect, given the track record of other SNL flicks— good comic actors on the one hand, but on the other, skit-level jokes lacking the flexibility required to face down the feature-length format.

MacGruber is a parody of 80s action stars in general, and MacGyver in particular. (I would like to just quickly let the reader know that Microsoft Word did NOT underline “MacGyver” in red.) Will Forte plays the title character, a special agent/bad-ass action dude from the 80s who has since faked his death so he can meditate barefoot in Ecuador. Colonel Faith, MacGruber’s boss of yesteryear, seeks him out in 2010 for help on a new case—the villain Dieter von Cunth (a pleasantly doughy Val Kilmer) now has possession of a nuclear warhead, which can’t be good. MacGruber would probably have just told Col. Faith, “Not my problem, go fuck yourself,” if Cunth hadn’t been the one to shoot his wife dead on their wedding day. Now he’s got an axe to grind. But first, he has to return to his former persona. This includes shoulder-length hair with bangs, a stupid vest, and carrying around his car stereo—a Blaupunkt, to be exact, as he angrily informs the goon who smashes it.

So now he’s ready to rock. Except he needs a team. Of course. That team ends up being a young, competent lieutenant named Piper (Ryan Phillipe), and Vicki (Kristen Wiig), also an ex-agent and best friend to his dead wife. (Maya Rudolph plays MacGruber’s bride during the wedding scene, with Kristen Wiig sitting in the first row, which kind of threw my stoned ass for a loop as I found myself wondering, “Um, I don’t remember Bridesmaids having so many guns…”)

We quickly find out that not only is MacGruber an enormous gaping asshole, he’s also stupendously terrible at his job. It’s not even that he’s a blundering dope—he actually appears to be purposely sabotaging the entire mission, like when he drives his team in a conspicuous red convertible to Vegas for recon, only to interrupt a DJ’s set at a nightclub, get everyone’s attention, and blow his cover before he’s even established it. To correct this (and to demonstrate his flagrant disregard for others’ safety), he sends his team member disguised as him to the mission’s location. Not the team member who’s a man, though. Vicki goes in disguised as MacGruber. Because.

The first act is pretty awesome. Will Forte executes a hilarious begging sequence for Lt. Piper’s benefit, and Kristen Wiig (disguised as MacGruber) gives us a coffee shop scene that just kills. Some of the actual consequences that might result from the fast-and-loose attitude of cavalier 80s heroes is bursting with comic potential. Like MacGruber truly realizing how important it is to respect your team, only to use one of them as a human shield thirty seconds later.

The trouble with the film is, it doesn’t ever get any better than this. (Okay, there’s a pretty funny sex scene set to “Broken Wings” by Mr. Mister, in which MacGruber sounds like a hippo succumbing to a tranquilizer dart.) Most of the other jokes sound like a demented 7-year-old wrote them. Especially MacGruber’s idea of “creating a distraction,” which involves a celery stalk and removal of pants. Others often rely on frank explanations of insulting euphemisms. “Stick it where the sun don’t shine!” “Oh yeah?! And where is that?” “Um… up your—up your butthole?” Yeah. Not the snappiest jokes out there.

Despite my general disappointment with the film on its own merits, I still think it serves a purpose (as do other similar films.) Sure, the jokes are ridiculous and lowbrow. But they’re also easy to follow and short-lived, which is nice if you’ve smoked a little too much and don’t feel like getting frustrated. (MacGruber is not a stoner movie, but it really seems like it was made with herb enthusiasts in mind.) I mean, think of it this way: when you’ve had a shitty day at work, would you rather light up with a cerebral comedy that involves keeping track of whose brain the characters are currently occupying? Or would you rather relax with a dumb movie about an asshole fucking up his job while doing questionable things with a stalk of celery? The latter’s not going to enrich you, but it will definitely make you feel better. And that, my friends, is what blazing is all about.

Filed in Erin Wilson, Wake n Bake | Tagged kristen wiig, macgruber, macgyver, ryan phillipe, SNL, wake n bake, will forte | Comments (0)

Lessons in Musical Excellence

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Jason Teaches You a (Sarcastic) Lesson:

How to Write the Perfect Indie Hit, Pt. 2

Welcome back, everybody to Indie Music 101 with me, professor Jason R. Noble. I would like to begin this week’s lecture with a brief recap of last week. Last week we discussed the important of loud guitar feedback and shitty lyrics when constructing the perfect indie hit. This week, we will delve deeper into the specific moving parts of what make an indie song really hit home with the self-impressed crowds that flock to see their favorite artists “perform”.

Good. I was worried this band didn’t exist.

Synths

Once reserved for new wave artists of the 80’s and weirdoes in their mom’s basements, synths and computers have become as crucial a part of music as they have become a crucial part of our lives. Are you writing a beautiful ballad about losing your sister to a drunk driver? You might want to consider blaring a square wave from a vintage Moog keyboard as the bed for your entire track. This way, when people listen to your song, they will think something like, ‘Wow, this song is sad but that square wave is an interesting decision’. People will say this because the word ‘shitty’ or ‘unbelievably incorrect’ has been replaced with the term ‘interesting’.

Exotic Instruments

Speaking of interesting, people are bored to tears by guitars, bass and drums. Does your song involve a mandolin, a didgeridoo or a saw? If you answered no, then you are not writing an indie hit. And the rare artist that can get away with not utilizing feedback, not having shitty lyrical content AND not using synthesized sounds, will certainly fall back on this tried and true indie favorite. If your song is going to gain any traction or love from the underground aficionados (re: mole people), at least one person in your band needs to be playing a flute or something equally stupid. And though this category is titled ‘exotic instruments’, actual exotic instruments (like a sitar) are frowned upon. Stick to classic Americana-inspired weirdo instruments (like a banjo).

Goddamnit, Craig! How many times do we have to tell you; The Reformed Junior Mandolin Band does NOT have a bass guitarist!!

Multi-Instrumentalists

This is the final chapter of the lesson and might be the least crucial for indie success. This step would be considered by the indie masses as the proverbial cherry on top. Going to see a band where they are all gently strumming their lutes and playing the mouth harp while singing about cows eating peanut butter is enough to make anyone pop a fat boner; this much should be obvious. What you might not expect, however, is that when all of these people on stage (mini lesson: your band must have less than 3 or more than 8 people in it) start taking instruments from each other and all of the sudden your guitar player is on drums and your bass player is banging on a harpsichord, people will loose their shit. Nothing makes people happier than knowing that what you got famous for playing poorly is not the only instrument that you can barely play.

I play the piano and the lettuce.

And there you have it, my beautiful Filterinos. If you want to gain any acknowledgement in the indie music scene, you must follow these steps. You do not have to take all of them to heart, but you know that any well-regarded indie band will adhere to at least one of these principles. And if you can think of a band that doesn’t, go fuck yourself because they’re not indie. And if they are indie and you prove me wrong, I’ll just make up a sub-genre (industrial folk, R&B&F, gypsy wander pop) and put them in that category.

With Love,

Jason R. Noble

Filed in Jason Noble, Music | | Comments (0)

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