BATTLEWORLD BATTLEWORLD

HOWARD THE HUMAN

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VS

SECRET WARS SECRET LOVE

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You might have noticed that both of this battle’s contestants have been reviewed before. There is no Howard the Human #2. There is no Secret Wars Secret Love #2. They are both one-shots—the one-night stands of the Battleworld universe. And yet here they are again, trying to get a taste of their own sloppy seconds. Don’t you know you look pathetic, Howard the Human? Don’t you know you look weak, Secret Wars Secret Love? If you want to see us again you grab our number and text us, “hey last night was fun [winky emoji]. Let’s grab coffee sometime.” You don’t come stumbling back the next night, knocking on our door in the same clothes we last saw you in. Have some self-respect.

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like, is that the only outfit you own?

 

If I could have you both lose, I would. Look at you, Howard the Human. Your entire personality is that your dad was a comic book where Howard was a Duck, so you’re just a comic book where he’s a Human. That’s not a personality, Howard the Human. That’s just a list of things you’re not because your dad scares you. Being a well-rounded comic book takes more than that. When your own children are parading around as Ducks lost in a human world, with their every move telling you “I’m NOT LIKE YOU DAD” you’ll see that you’ve made the same mistakes as your father.

I'd rather you be DEAD than a duck!

I’d rather you be DEAD than a duck!

And Secret Wars Secret Love…you cloying fool. True affection comes from within. You won’t get it from blasting us with hackneyed, “Matt Murdoch beats the devil with some help from love” storylines. It has to come naturally. Love cannot be forced. The fact that you see attention as something that can only be taken is why you’ll never hear someone say “I love you” without wondering, “but do they?” If you want true love, become a comic that is worthy of love. Work on yourself. Develop characters that seem multidimensional and stories that move with fervor. I’m disappointed in you, Secret Wars Secret Love.

Good.

Good.

Howard the Human, I’m going to begrudgingly allow you to pass on. For all your faults, you told one story that had a beginning, middle, and end with a few decent character moments. We’ll always have that. It didn’t end well between us, on account of what an awful comic you are, but there was promise in the beginning. Just be warned—you’re gonna be going against actual series now…that means books that have more than 20 pages to develop a character and tell a story. It won’t be easy. You will probably fail. And when you do, I will not shed a single tear.

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