In which we review the films opening this weekend, just based on the trailer, to 100 percent accuracy.
REVIEW: This is taken, except that Nicholas Cage has to rob a bank. Why? Why did they make this?
SPOILER: There’s nothing to spoil. This movie is a turd sandwich.
RATING: * (out of ****)
AKA: Valentine’s Day/New Years Eve, but at a high school reunion!
REVIEW: This movie follows all kinds of wacky people doing all kinds of wacky things before, during and after their 10 year high school reunion. All of their performances are charming, the writing is precious and the directing pulls at your heart strings at all the right times. Unfortunately, it it is impossible for this film to get to the next level. It’s intention is to remain cute, sad and entertaining the entire time, which it succeeds at. Audiences will love it and critics will shit on everyone’s good time.
SPOILER: Chris Pratt falls seven times, each more hilarious than the last.
RATING: **1/2 (out of ****)
AKA: A movie for grown ups!!!
REVIEW: Richard Gere is a powerful man with a beautiful family, therefore he fucks his mistress and has neither morals nor a completely legal money situation. When his mistress dies, shit hits the fan and everything eventually comes out. Tim Roth fucking kills it as a detective that won’t give up, Richard Gere plays a surprisingly good bad guy and Susan Sarandon elevates the put-upon wife character to new heights. This film is slick and superbly acted, which makes up for the fact that it’s totally cheesy.
SPOILER: In a domino effect of a twist ending, Richard Gere’s mistress is revealed to be his wife, his wife is actually his daughter and his daughter is actually his son. Yes…that will do.
RATING: *** (out of ****)
Jason R. Noble