TRAILER TRASH

In which we review the films opening this weekend, just based on the trailer, to 100 percent accuracy.

LAWLESS

AKA: Other Generic Titles

REVIEW: Shia LaBeouf continues to prove that he has pictures of every exec in Hollywood blowing a baby lamb as he stars in Lawless, the new movie from one-hit wonder John Hillcoat (The Proposition). I’m not sure if Hillcoat has decided it’s on him to make dude movies with a conscience, or conscience movies featuring dudes, but in both Lawless and The Road, he gets in his own way too often. A wonderful cast, and Shia LaBeouf, are pretty much wasted.

SPOILER: Shia LaBeouf goes to cry but farts instead. Acting!

RATING: ** (out of ****)

THE POSESSION

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AKA: Horror Movie, Part 547

REVIEW: It feels like we haven’t seen a horror movie about a little girl being possessed by demons for a few weeks now; luckily The Possession is here to save the day. How do you know it’s bad? Because it’s a horror movie, and nobody bothers to make them good. How do you know it’s bad for a horror movie? Because it’s based on a true story. Yes, this preposterous mish-mash of both poop and shit is based on real life events, ripped straight from the headlines. From what I can tell, the writers and director watched a documentary called The Exorcist, and then based this movie on that.

SPOILER: The little girl at no point masturbates with a crucifix…so why even go see this?

RATING: *1/2 (out of ****)

FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL…

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AKA: Seth Rogen, Hook it Up!

REVIEW: For a Good Time, Call…sucks. It just does. It’s not because it has girls in it, because they’re actually pretty good. It’s not because it isn’t funny; it has its moments. It’s not because the lead actress/co-writer is married to Seth Rogen, and that’s how it got made. I actually don’t think that’s true, and this was made based on its own merits, or at least potential. It sucks because it is pretty hack and fairly amateur. The good news is that most of the people involved in this do have a much better comedy than this in the not-so-distant future.

SPOILER: You don’t see either of these chicks naked, but you do respect them a little more by the end of it, both as characters and actors. BORING!

RATING: ** (out of ****)

-Ryan Haley