In which we pre-review movies based solely on the trailers with 100% accuracy
Total Recall (2012)
Imagine that ”The Matrix” and “The Bourne Identity” had a baby (with whom they were very disappointed) and you’ve got a pretty good idea of what the most recent iteration of “Total Recall” is like. The protagnoist (played by inveterate bro Collin Farrell) is just a simple, average Joe until he attempts to take a memory-altering virtual vacation; however, in a twist that will surprise absolutely no one, the memory implantation can’t work because HIS MEMORY HAS ALREADY BEEN IMPLANTED. It turns out that our hero is a) already a spy under deep cover or b) experiencing the implanted “superspy” fantasty he paid for literally 15 seconds ago. This film is a perfect blend of science fiction, science fact, and total fucking bullshit ripoff. (Or are those police stormtrooper uniforms just a coincidence?) If you only see one movie this summer that is a reboot of an Arnold Schwarzenegger film based on a Philip K. Dick short story, you should probably kill yourself.
RATING: ** (out of ****)
This film capitalizes on the bizarre phenomenon of us privileged Americans being entertained by those who have to struggle more than we do (e.g. Dirty Jobs, Man vs. Wild, Ice Road Truckers, Deadliest Catch, Dual Survival, etc). A young man (named, in an extraordinary coincidence, “Craigslist Joe”) sets out on a Spurlockian quest to see if he can survive (and, just maybe, learn a valuable lesson about life) using Craigslist as his only resource. In the end, he sees much of our great nation, makes some new friends, and at one point has to trade a handjob for some fajitas. Also, the only reason he isn’t immediately murdered by one of his new Craigslist buddies is because he has a camera crew following him around.
RATING: **1/2 (out of ****)
This film is the surprise of the summer. Not because it is a good film; it is not. It’s a surprise because it starts with the premise that a man can’t get his wife pregnant, and has to recruit his friends to help…and then doesn’t turn into some sort of horrible deception/gang rape scenario. In a refreshingly non-misogynist turn, the guy teams up with his buddies for a stupid caper movie about breaking into a sperm bank to retrieve some of his previously donated jizz. ”The Babymakers” stars the almost comically attractive Olivia Munn and that guy who left Parks and Rec after one season (seriously, dude? You left Parks and Rec for this? You’re like the David Caruso of comedy).
RATING: * 1/2 (out of ****)