TRAILER TRASH 

In which we review movies based on only the previews with 100% accuracy.

Sparkle

Finally, a movie with soul.  For those of you who don’t know, that means there’s black people in it.  And if you’re tired of all those soulless white movies, this is just the thing for you.  A woman gets hit, there’s a ton of singing, God saves everyone, sisters have to stick together – all the hallmarks are there.  You’ll especially be torn to pieces when the sisters stop sticking together.  That always spells disaster.  Look out for cameos from a bunch of famous singers that can’t act and one actor that tries to prove they can sing.  Chris Brown also shows up as the guy who punches ladies.

Spoiler: This time they mean sisters in the same we do.

Rating (** and ½) out of (****).

The Expendables 2

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The whole gang is back, and then I guess a bunch of new people are there too!  This time there’s a bunch of plutonium missing and the team better not even think of coming back until they’ve found it and crashed a plane into it.  At some point Jet Li faces an unarmed opponent, but decides to throw down his gun and take him on ‘mano-a-mano’.  The movie cuts rapidly between Jet Li’s masterful display of martial arts and an overweight ex-governor hanging out the door of a smart car.  Every scene where Schwarzenneger and Stallone speak is mercifully given subtitles.

Spoiler: The scenes where Statham is a monk contain some pretty heavy-handed metaphors for the increasing role of religion in American government.

Rating (way too many stars) out of (****).

Paranorman

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Ugh, I dunno.  There’s a guy nobody understands, he’s got one friend and people are always up in his shit about being more normal.  There’s probably a girl that no one likes because she’s all weird too and her and the hero pair off and be alienating together.  The fat friend gets left in the wake and eats other people’s food.  That’s what they do.  Overall, there’s so much being different that they hardly have any time to squeeze in all the quirky ghosts they wanted to, but the one that farts still gets a pretty solid amount of screentime.

Spoiler: You still like it.  So do I.

Rating (***) out of (****).