TRAILER TRASH

In which we pre-review movies based solely on the trailers with 100% accuracy

The Dark Knight Rises

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AKA: Batman

REVIEW:

SPOILER: In a nod to Quentin Tarantino, everyone dies at the end, rather brutally…literally everyone…in the whole city.

RATING: ***1/2 (out of ****)

30 Beats

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AKA: That ensemble cast flick where they’re all having sex all the time

REVIEW: Basically, a whole buncha pairs of people have sex. Booty calls, hookups, or whatever you wanna call it, these people try to convince you that they are having lonely, meaningless lives, but really all we see is them having sex with people. All I can think is “these really good looking sad sacks of shit are getting laid way more than I am.” I suppose a movie that is basically a thinly veiled plot holding together a lot of sex scenes has the best odds of squeezing a few dollars out of a theatrical release on the same day as the Batman film.

SPOILER: Syphilis.

RATING: **1/2(out of ****)

The Runway

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AKA:That other movie you can go see besides Batman.

REVIEW: The most interesting man in the world crashes his airplane in Ireland.  Presumably this is a ploy to get his hands on a few cases of “I don’t always drink whiskey, but when I do it’s fucking Jameson.” He meets a boy, they try to fix his plane, he falls in love with the boy’s hot mom. Everyone wins.

SPOILER: Fashion show finale.

RATING: **(out of ****)