In which we pre-review movies based solely on the trailers with 100% accuracy
Ice Age 4: Continental Drift
AKA: You thought this series was extinct… you were WRONG!
REVIEW: Though the cast is only half composed of actual actors they manage to pull off this adventure tail (or should I say tale?) of an epic journey ending in reunification with loved ones with wonderful aplomb. Along the way the characters learn something about each other and friendship and science and also history and just a little bit about geography. Though the story’s been told before this time there’s a twist! There are talking animals! From a prehistoric era! And it’s computer animated! They’ve even included a female counterpart for the saber-tooth tiger voiced by Dennis Leary, a man who conveys loneliness even when you can’t see his face.
SPOILER: That squirrel looking thing finally gets to eat that over sized acorn that’s been cock teasing him for so long.
RATING: *** (out of ****)
AKA: Robert De Niro and Sigourney Weaver may be at the end of their rope but that just means they’ve still got some rope left!
REVIEW: The unreal becomes real in this thrill-a-minute thrill ride of a thriller. Two paranormal investigators meet their match when they come up against a man who, it appears, really can do crazy ass shit with just his mind. Their investigation brings them to the very brink of reality AND THEN THEY STEP OFF THE EDGE. Heart-racing, dynamic, eye-popping; a can’t-look-away-gripping-your-seat… Ok sorry, I was just trying to get my quote on the DVD Box. The movie’s pretty good though, not the best not the worst.
SPOILER: The whole movie is actually in Cillian Murphy’s dream. Leonardo DiCaprio makes a cameo but it’s not an Inception reference somehow.
RATING: **1/2(out of ****)
AKA: Look! Indians can act like assholes too!
REVIEW: This latest contribution from Bollywood brings them to the next level of films: bad films that only get made to make morons laugh and 14 year-olds aroused. Following three (sorta) young people who move in together in London this trite rehash of every other semi-comedic love triangle is not worth seeing. Also, you’ll have to read the whole time. Boring!
SPOILER: There’s a big dance number at the end.
RATING: *(out of like a billion or something)