CHINA HEAVYWEIGHT

 
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AKA: You ain’t gotta be a ninja to fight hard.

REVIEW: In China, everything is hyper competitive as it’s incredibly difficult to stand out in a crowd that consists of over one billion. The best way to leave your mark is by doing something worth while and contributing to the fabric of a culture that is thousands of years old. Or you could beat the ever-loving shit out of people. This documentary focuses on the latter. You will be inspired, you will be educated and you will be glad that you got an inside look at something most people have never even considered: Chinese boxing.

SPOILER: Someone’s nose gets broken, and to toughen them up they punch them in their freshly broken nose.

RATING:  *** (out of ****)

CRAZY EYES

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AKA: Boy meets girl meets naps meets alcohol.

REVIEW: Independent movie blah blah blah heartfelt emotions blah blah blah. This film tries to make you feel blah blah blah but then it blah blah blahs and all you are left with is blah blah blah. Indie movies are blah blah blah and you want this film to be more but blah blah blah. In the end, blah blah blah, life is hard, blah blah blah, white people problems.

SPOILER: Soemone’s dick gets punched. Hard.

RATING: ** (out of ****)

SAVAGES

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AKA: Oliver Stone can still make you spurt in your pants.

REVIEW: This non-traditional love story has everything. It has weed, bad guys, guns, explosions and super creepy masks. Nobody is safe and at any point, that character that you really like might end up with his or her head chopped off. Benicio del Toro shows you that just because he hasn’t been in anything for a while doesn’t mean he still can’t act the fuck out of a psychopath. And then there’s Oliver Stone. With Savages, he will again prove that being a crazy fucking dickhead of an eccentric director is okay if you can back it up with kick ass art.

SPOILER: Oliver Stone backs it up with kick ass art.

RATING:  *** (out of ****)