I MISS MY MTV

80′S FLASHBACK!

MICHAEL JACKSON – BEAT IT

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To this day, I have no fucking idea what is going on in this video. I think two rival gangs are assembling in the city but people are coming out of the sewer and joining when they walk by an alleyway all willy nilly. If you have ever seen this video however, clearly the plot doesn’t matter half as much as one Michael Jackson. He is so fucking nimble and his voice is so fucking angelic that this song becomes an instant classic. Even 30 years later, this song makes people get out of their seat and dance their fucking asses off. The last minute of this video has to be one of the most iconic dance routines in music video history. Of course, the only real competition to that is other Michael Jackson videos. Fuck, he really was the king of pop… – JRN

Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time

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Yes, I went there. I’m not ashamed. I like this song. It’s totally 80′s too. I can’t even try and hate on this video. It’s so terrible and cheesy that I’m digging it. I like Cyndi in the beginning sitting in a trailer holding a blow up dog and watching some movie while her boyfriend sleeps. That dog isn’t fooling anyone Cyndi Lauper. Then they start the flashbacks. Cyndi shows her boyfriend her fake ginger hair with a side buzz and he gets all pissed. She runs out. He follows her. There’s more flashbacks to when she was younger and hugging her mom and shit. Now fastfoward in time and she’s leaving her boyfriend and their trailer. Then they make up. Now they’re going to take a trip. They head to a train station. Oh wait now the boyfriend isn’t going. So Cyndi ends up taking off on the train alone. And so begins her trip to Hogwarts. 80′s music videos are amazing. -RC

PAT BENATAR – LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD

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Things I love about this video in no particular order: being a runaway apparently means she doesn’t understand the flow of pedestrian traffic and gets sad when people bump into her, Pat’s collection of amazing headbands that would look ridiculous on anyone else, when her dad kicks her out and yells at her she sings back, the lamest strip club ever which involves fully clothed  middle school dancing with patrons instead of grinding a pole naked, the villainous club owner’s gold tooth and greasy hair indicating just how sleazy he is even though he doesn‘t actually make the girls take off their clothes or fuck anyone, when Pat busts out her all-powerful revolt through dance and gets all the girls doing the dead-eyed shuffle, and finally how after they take back the night or whatever  everyone hugs and heads their separate ways but you just know they’re going to end up somewhere way shadier when they couldn’t even hack it at the fake strip club. Also I want her wardrobe. – AS

REM- THE ONE I LOVE

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 The eighties weren’t all day-glo colors and wackiness. There was a somberness int here too, and REM ruled the alt. scene of the time with their mellow college rock angst. They were just about to blow up, and definitely in their arty phase with this video. Apparently the best way to visually capture a melancholy love song  is to fade strange images over each other, like storms, skies, banjoes, burning houses,  and then briefly stop the fading on some meth addict. I’m not really feeling the story here, these people obviously have drug problems, enough to light flowers on fire so fuck them and their skinny dumb stares. That’s the first reaction, until we get the flashbacks of their love story and it shows the girl precociously hanging from a tree while the guy stares creepily at her. And I guess the house is a metaphor? I don’t know, but what I do know is the weirdest thing about this video is Michael Stipe with hair.-MG

THE CURE  - LOVESONG

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Watching a video by The Cure reminds me of 2 things: 1) The Cure made great music and 2) Robert Smith is really fucking weird.  Both of these things put me in a good mood.  I’ve been delving back into the Cure a lot lately and their songs are such great mixtures of happy & dark, bitter & sweet, and upbeat & moody.  This probably relates to point B above.  This video reminds me that Robert Smith embodies the as-yet-uncoined term “campy, deep and brooding.” Plus, this version is way better than that 311 version that barely had a pulse. -LF

PAULA ABDUL- OPPOSITES ATTRACT

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Love them or hate them, it’s hard to deny the fact that this video might say more about love and relationships than any other song in the history of time. You might think it’s a little hokey, that the lyrics are straining too hard to say exactly what does and does not work about relationships, but if you stop playing in your snarcade, end your snark week, and get off of Noah’s Snark, you’ll see exactly what I mean. Have you ever had a relationship as meaningful as the one displayed in this video? Maybe, but I doubt it. Now is the time, however, for some empathy. It’s time to take all of the feelings you’ve ever had for girls and boys, bundle them all up in a ball, and go on a magical journey regarding pain, compatibility, and love. If your eyes are still dry by the end of this video, maybe it’s time for you to join up with the Tin Man on his voyage to Oz, because neither one of you has a heart, son. – RH