Trailer Trash

In which we pre-review the movie, based solely on the trailer, to 100 percent accuracy.

THE RAVEN

AKA: Edgar Allen Poe: Vampire Hunter

REVIEW: Edgar Allen Poe wrote in a way that makes most ‘dark’ and ‘mysterious’ girls in their early to late twenties soaking wet. His stories were remarkable, well-written and darkly twisted. Unfortunately, this is not an EAP story. This is someone trying to make a tiny, drunk and gifted writer look like fucking Van Helsing. Edgar Allen Poe was a real person and it’s sort of cool to see his stories come to life, but the movie looses steam almost as soon as it gets it.

SPOILER ALERT: John Cusack ends up…I don’t know…fucking something.

RATING: * 1/2 (out of ****)

THE FIVE-YEAR ENGAGEMENT

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AKA: Hahaha!! Even boys will laugh at this ROMATIC COMEDY.

REVIEW: This is a straight-up romantic comedy. They cast it well (Jason Segal, Emily Blunt, Chris Pratt), they chose funny looking scenes for the trailer and there may even be a ‘gross-out’ gag or two but guess what? It’s a fucking romantic comedy, and while they two lovers may learn a lot, they end up together and everyone is basically happy. This isn’t as funny as everyone wants you to believe, but it’s watchable and instantly forgettable.

SPOILER ALERT: Didn’t you just read the last paragraph? Fuck.

RATING: ** 1/2 (out of ****)

BERNIE

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AKA: Jack Black reigns it in.

REVIEW: Jack Black does his best to prove that he can be a normal(ish) person. Shriley Maclaine proves that she can play a mean old cunt. Matthew Mcconaughey proves that he can be attractive and charming, even when his hair in slightly grayed. The movie sells like a comedy but plays like a drama, especially when it leans on the true parts of its ‘based on a true story’ background. You might laugh and you might cry, but you will definitely fudge your undies.

SPOILER ALERT: Jack Black looks like a weeble with a moustache.

RATING: ** 1/2 (out of ****)