TRAILER TRASH

In which we pre-review the movie, based solely on the trailer, to 100 percent accuracy.

CABIN IN THE WOODS

AKA: Joss Whedon Strikes Again

REVIEW: Joss Whedon has officially become our generation’s version of Steven Spielberg, much to J.J. Abrams’ chagrin. In the 80′s, Spielberg, either by directing or producing, dominated the market, controlling everything that those old, disgusting people loved. Now Whedon, through producing or directing (here he’s just producing) is doing the same thing, based on all of the things we…they…learned and fell in love with in the 80′s. Cabin in the Woods is no exception. It has its cake and eats it too in all of the best possible ways. A milestone for horror films.

SPOILER ALERT: I know what happens and you don’t, and I’m not going to spoil that for you.

RATING: *** (out of ****)

THE THREE STOOGES

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AKA: The Farrelly Brothers: The Final Chapter

REVIEW: Despite that “AKA”, I actually think this is a good move for the Farrelly brothers. They no longer hold the “kings of comedy” trophy they held ten to fifteen years ago, and they were probably never going to get it back. The only option they had was to attack a different audience, and see how much of their old audience they can bring with them. The Three Stooges isn’t good, but there are moments that show promise – that basically comedy is comedy, and there’s a certain type of comedy that will never die.

SPOILER ALERT: In a surprise twist ending, it is revealed that there are only two stooges, with Curly being a figment of Moe and Larry’s imagination, Moe being a figment of Larry and Curly’s imagination, and Larry being a figment of Moe and Curly’s imagination.

RATING: **

LOCKOUT

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AKA: John Carpenter’s Escape From Space Prison

REVIEW: Unfortunately Guy Pearce is the only one in on the joke, as everyone in front of and behind the camera really seems to believe they are making a good movie. This is a shame, because that means they genuinely think that these ideas are fresh and original, where they couldn’t be anything but. There are a few moments sprinkled throughout, but for the most part stay away and hope for a more self-aware movie that has a little something to say.

SPOILER ALERT: By the end of the movie, Guy Pearce’s character winks at the audience so hard he hurts his eyelid.

RATING: **